How Anxiety Feels

January 21 2016

Hello Anxiety.  

I almost forgot you were here. I can only get so far away until you realize you miss me and come back strong as ever.  I forgot what you looked like. What you felt like. What you did to me.  I forgot how toxic you are.  How paralyzing. How fucking frustrating you are.  Why can’t you just stay the hell away?  I was doing just fine without you.  Go away and let me live.  Let me breathe.  Let me feel something, anything.  I just want my brain to shut off and you’re here, like a bright light.  You’re here and won’t fucking shut up. I know everything is fine but you remind me about all the what ifs.  What if you fail that exam next week?  What if you over sleep tomorrow? What if you get excluded from your friends? what if you wake up and feel exactly how you feel tonight and this feeling never leaves you?  You’re screaming these what ifs to me.  They just keep getting louder and louder.  What if you end up alone? What if you get so fat and can never lose the weight?  What if everyone actually hates you?  Why do you make me so irrational?  Why can’t you just leave me alone? I’m taking my medication, i’m trying to get the hell away from you and you’re back to remind me that i’m not free. You’re here and you want me to feel your presence.  

Big/Little Goals

Finding the perfect Big has always been a dream of mine.  I used to fantasize about a perfect big/little relationship and guess what I HAVE IT. Here's my list of things that I would like to thank my Big for.

1.   Thank you for loving wine as much as I do.  Only the best can handle the wine hangover aftermath.

2.  Thank you for keeping me sane throughout the weeks and sending me daily reminders to enjoy life.

3.  Thank you for being overly generous and selfless.  

4.  Thank you for teaching me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

5.  Thank you for brainstorming Instagram captions and making sure the pictures are Insta worthy.

6.  Thank you for taking thousands of pics with me too.

7.  Thank you for being the best role model I have ever had.

8.  Thank you for making me fall deeply in love with the sisterhood we belong to.

9.  Thank you for being my big sister.  I have always dreamed of this.

10.  Thank you for being the best Big in the entire world.  We are goals.

10 Thoughts of Those that Cannot Fall Asleep

1.  Is is acceptable to watch 3 more episodes of Netflix?

2. I'm going to love waking up in the morning so tired!!

3. Why can my roommate fall asleep in .4 seconds but it takes me 4 hours?

4.  Oh yes brain, let's think of every bad/sad/insane thought we can tonight.  Great.

5.  Wow. I have a million things to do tomorrow. Love life. Hashtag blessed.

6.  Maybe if I just lay here with my eyes closed I will eventually fall asleep. Doubtful.

7. I just stalked every form of social media and pinned cute DIY things on Pintrest for like an hour

8. What is the least amount of sleep a person can survive on?

9.  I am going to have SUCH dark circles tomorrow.

10.  Where is my melatoin?

What No One Tells You About Freshman Year

Go to college, they said.  It will be fun, they said.  Okay, yeah college is awesome but what "they" do not tell you is how awful it is at the same time. K, how can something be awesome and awful at the same time, you ask? Well, here is the basic run down of my first year.

1. It hard to make new friends that can even compare to your best friends from back home.

If you are anything like me, you don't really show the real you to just anyone you meet.  It takes me a little while to be comfortable around someone to show them who I truly am...which is okay!  People come and go and in college you often have different sets of friends.  I have friends that I would text to see where they are going Friday night and I also have friends that I would call at 2 AM to complain about a stupid argument I had.  These people have not known you your entire life like your friends from home have and it will take awhile to make a bond as strong as the one you have with your best friends from high school.

2.  I am tired all the time.

So anyone who knows me knows that I am basically a professional napper.  If I can nap for ten minutes, best believe I will do it.  If class ends early, I'm going back to my room and climbing into bed.  Somehow, I am always always tired.  It doesn't matter if I was lucky enough to get eight hours of sleep the night before or I slept for 3 days straight, I go to sleep tired and wake up tired day in and day out.  College is hard man.

3.  COLLEGE IS HARDER THAN YOU THINK

Okay, sorry for the caps BUT this one is big.  First semester was challenging just because it's an adjustment but oh, just wait for second semester.  This semester I do not think I had one stress-free week.  I had no idea that my brain could even handle as much studying and lecturing it had to endure.

4.  You make it work, no matter what.

I complained all the time.  I complained about how tired I was, how cold it was, how I was screwed for the exam on Thursday, how I had a massive headache from the last night, and so on and so forth.  I guess I thought if I complained about how awful I thought things were they would magically get better.  Sorry, K. Things did not get better by magic but things always worked out.  I took a nap, I put on a sweatshirt, I found time to cram for the exam, and I popped some Advil.  Things always work out even if it seems like it's the end of the world, I promise.  It may not be they way you thought things should go but in the end, everything seems to be right.

5.  FOMO

FOMO: fear of missing out.  Guys, it's worse in college.  All your new friends are going to these awesome parties or concerts or fancy restaurants but you just feel like binge watching Netflix.  But what if you miss out?  What if they take cute pics and post them on Insta?  What if all your friends meet the Steelers in South Side but your laying in bed watching Meredith and Derek fall in love for the one thousandth time? Guess what, it is okay.  You can make something really awesome happen next weekend.  You need to make time for you.  My favorite me time is obviously Netflix and reading a good book.  Being able to stay in and relax is essential in college.